What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
