I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
