Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
