why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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