if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
