You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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