The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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