did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
