I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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