i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
