I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
