Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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