Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
