i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I need a burrito and a hug.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
