my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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