apparently the secret to your success is patron
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
