I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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