Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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