Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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