I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
