Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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