The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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