What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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