That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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