u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
