i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she looked like the before picture.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
