I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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