Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
