At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
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got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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