my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
