I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
