i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
