i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
