how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
