help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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