I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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