Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
