I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
