he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
