just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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