Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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