So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
