Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
