My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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