If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We need to get me chipped asap
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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