No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
