There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.