I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
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we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
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Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?