I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
