I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
