you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
