my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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