I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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