I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
