Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
