if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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