...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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