Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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