How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
