If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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