be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
