somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you made out with another girl for some wings
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
