Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Let's get the cat blown out
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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