yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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