How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
